Stream of consciousness: Cupid beat me up
from a Hopeless (but Hopeful) Romantic.
As someone who has never had a valentine, I love to joke about how evil this time of year is for the chronically single. And as the resident chronically single friend, who loves to quote “I’m 27 years old. I’ve no money and no prospects, I’m already a burden to my parents, and I’m frightened” from pride and prejudice, the Kiera Knightly one. The quote hits harder when cupid’s arrow is actively piercing you straight through the heart. Picturing a big baby with an aggressively pink bow and arrow running around striking people down left and right is kind of funny, I won’t lie. Though, it is also weird, and the fact that that is the imagery associated with this day, is strange. It’s a strange holiday. Purely capitalistic by the way, but something about buying cutesy things with hearts all over them does make my grinch heart happy.
Don’t get me wrong, I love pink, and the general aesthetic of Valentine’s Day, it’s a very cute looking holiday. I dare say that I also love, love… (sometimes). It’s a complicated relationship. I love love, unless I’m at a coffee shop trying to enjoy my lavender vanilla iced matcha latte, and a couple is sitting in front of me being in love in a way that makes everyone around them uncomfortable. That is the only instance I hate love. You cannot be doing that in front of me or my matcha.
It is also a difficult thing to explain that I am not open to love, due to my being in a very committed hallucinationship. Now we need to take a little detour into learning the definition of a hallucinationship. We all know what a relationship is, now picture that but one sided, and very delusional. Just goes to show that at the end of the day, I am a very loyal person. Finding a father for my cat is something I do not take lightly. All jokes aside, I do think that Valentine’s Day is a time of year where it feels like salt is being actively rubbed on your wounds. Seeing everyone have someone and be happy, whether it is performative or not, will bring up weird feelings that we try to stow away. It is a weird time because there is this very stark juxtaposition of people being happy, and people coming face to face with all the hurt they’ve cached, like a squirrel hiding nuts.
Valentine’s Day was more of a pain in my formative years, it was torture via candy grams. My school did single roses instead of candy, but the pain was all the same. Seeing people with enough roses to start a garden, and comparing it to my barren desert… is funny in hindsight, but felt sad in the moment. No one wants to be the odd one out. It’s a weird feeling because it brings you back to those weird feelings. It’s inescapable, I mean, weird feelings are a major part of being human. And it doesn’t feel fair, I want to scream that into the ether from now til the end of Valentine’s Day. I am petitioning for boyfriends, girlfriends and they/themfriends to buy flowers for everyone, not just their significant others, its significant circle or nothing. So, do your single friends a favor, and adopt a single this Valentine’s Day.
Whilst this is all my bitterness put into words, I am a very big believer in soul mates. I think love in its pure forms is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Having never experienced it, I do have an overly romanticized idea of it. But what can I say? I’m a girl who loves to romanticize things. The only downside to that is the fear or idea that it may disappoint me… but in my little woo woo heart and soul, that simply cannot be possible. Especially noting that the reason why I’ve never experienced it is because I know my value, and the person I end up with needs to as well. High expectations yield great results (I hope). I’m not much of a gambler, more so a manifester. Is one synonymous with the other? Who knows! All I know is Valentine’s Day sucks, and we deserve the love and life we’ve always dreamed of.
Manifesting that for all of us, because we deserve that.
One last thing I will leave you off with is a question for you to ponder ever so deeply.. that question being,
Will you be my valentine?