I look back on the past year of my life and rest in awe at the surprises it has held. Such awe it is even humorous. There are certain things I had held as truths about my life, certain in their inability to sway, and in merely one year these truths have disintegrated and transformed similar to the process of decomposition. It all so drastically showing me how little I know about the future endeavours of my life, I can’t help but laugh.
I am 21 years old, and I know absolutely nothing.
Such agitation and anxiety stem from this image of control we craft for our lives, a craft nearly never tethered to the truth that lies in our soul, rather spreading cancerously from our fear of social rejection along with our insecurity rooted in our ingrained constant comparison.
I know absolutely nothing.
We look forward in fear, we look backward in regret. Emotions both of which are unproductive yet constantly pulling at us like a 5 year old asking to be played with.
And we play. We play with them constantly on this fictional plane of what ifs and I wishes. And no matter how we spin it, the regret crafting ways it could of been different, the worry tirelessly treading knee high water in an attempt to make sense of how truly unknown it all is, urgently working to form a sand castle two steps from where the tide breaks on a day before a thunderstorm. Humours, yet the urge so powerful. Silly, yet the fabrication so enticing. In a moment you can die, in a year you could not have lived at all.
I know absolutely nothing.
The polarity of nothing is something, and in the crevices of the word something we find this need to identify, to exert control, to understand. The word something is creating boundaries, it is articulating the separateness of such entity that you are talking about, yet it provides no details, no concrete description.
Something is similar to what we do when looking to our past or future. We try to assert our dominance, our understanding, our predictions of it through our false craft of control. But, with further inspection our assertions are empty, lacking validity.
Yet nothing, nothing has no boundaries. In the word nothing there is surrender. We release control over identifying the separateness and with the release of control, the tension calms and the worry and fear dissipate. Exactly as how it does when we surrender to the present moment. Recognizing our true lack of knowledge or the ability to control all else but right now.
So, I practice. I practice unveiling slowly the insecurity and fear once dressed like that little girl. I practice in hopes of one day knowing the peace in surrendering to the absolute truth and beauty in knowing absolutely nothing.
Jennifer Gheorghe explores a layered existence through art and writing. She is currently acting as Creative Director of Diverse World Fashion Magazine, and you can find more of her work in its upcoming issues, she can also be contacted directly at gheorghejennifer1@gmail.com.
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